Public displays of affection are not very popular in Egypt. It is considered to be in poor taste to ostentatiously engage in kissing and cuddling – these things should be done in private, and then by married couples only. Or so most people will tell you. They will also tell you that sex before marriage does not happen and that homosexuality does not exist. It is as simple as that.
The truth is of course very different. Like anywhere else in the world there is a thriving subculture of homosexual men and women, but it is carefully hidden in plain view, for all to see if only you know where to look. On the outside, the members seem to live lives like anyone else, but a large part of what you see is fake. Their sexuality is not condoned and so they live their lives around a carefully guarded secret they share with many others. The dire consequences of revealing that secret automatically mean nobody ever breaks their code of silence.
It made me wonder what it is like living a perpetual double life and I found several gay young men who were willing to show me around their worlds of half truths and deception. Only one was willing to meet me face to face, the others preferring to communicate in a different way to ensure their anonymity. Their stories are sad tales of struggle and loneliness, hope and heartbreak but most of all unhappiness. Please meet a few brave young men that are trying to make the best of an impossible situation.
It is a quiet Friday afternoon when I meet Abdul. He is young, 23, and a bit shy, and I can tell that he is a little nervous from the way he fiddles with his lighter. He is determined, though, to share his story with me, because he does not get to tell it very often. Abdul gradually realized as he was growing up that he was not like his friends in school. They would look at girls the way he would look at boys and it confused him. “Around the time I became aware of the fact I was different, I also learned the common derogatory term for gay and that made me think for a long time that that was what I was. Something unnatural, not acceptable and wrong.” Omar, a successful 24 year-old professional, knew from a very young age that he was gay. “It was just always there. My parents told me when I was 7 years old that I could not marry my best friend and that I should never say such things, so I also learned it was something I had to keep to myself.” Samir, 25, has also known he was different from a young age, but is still trying to find his way into acceptance. “I knew I was attracted to guys, but I did not want to be, because I know it is not right.”
Hand in hand with the realization that they were different came the knowledge that this difference was not something to talk about. The slang words for homosexual are often used among teenagers to emphasize ‘unmanly’ behavior and weakness to say the least, effectively pushing anyone struggling with understanding their different sexuality into a carefully kept silence.
The Internet is an endless source of information and it was in this way that Abdul, like so many others, learned what being homosexual meant and that he was not alone in having these feelings. The anonymity of the Internet also makes it a safe place to make contact with likeminded men, and it is here that many friendships are formed.
The men I spoke to have perfected their alter egos, the ones that live their day-to-day lives, restricting their other selves to stolen hours in the company of friends who share their secret. Most of their families are not aware of their sexual orientation, or they cling to the lie that their sons are so capable of living. Samir tried telling his parents a few years ago what his sexual preferences were: “After I told my mother she fainted and my father spat in my face. She then made me go to several psychiatrists and sheikhs who all told me I was imagining this and that it was wrong. We never spoke about it again but she is always tracking my whereabouts and who I am spending time with.” Abdul has never told his family even if some of them know. “One of my siblings walked in on me once, and I think my mother and sister suspect, but they do not want to know. We just do not talk about it, which makes me feel terribly alone.” Omar’s family does not know and he does not plan to ever tell them. “At a certain level I would want them to know and put an end to a decade of pretence and endless questions about when I am going to marry. But I cannot even begin to imagine how my parents would handle it.”
Marriage is a topic that comes up often for these young men, their families expecting them to follow the social norm and establish families of their own. Abdul tried dating a girl at one point in his past, but he realized that it was not for him. “I will not get married, because it would be totally unfair and based on a lie. As it is now, I lie to protect the people I love from pain, but that is a lie I can find peace with.” Samir is planning to get married at some point in the future and does not feel there is anything wrong with it. “I want to have a family of my own and children, for my own sake and because my family expects it of me. I do not think it would be unfair to my wife, she will have children and a home.” Omar has a different point of view: “I wouldn’t do anything that involves another human being, without their full informed consent. Marriage, though a channel for sexual needs, is very often successful even with troubles in sexual communication. Marriage involves other important and binding common grounds and I might attempt such a form of marriage, one day.”
It is perfectly logical that most of the men I spoke to do not talk about their struggle to have a fulfilling personal life with anyone in the straight world. What surprised me is that the battle they face every day of their life is also not a topic that is easily discussed amongst their peers. Abdul thinks it is because men are not comfortable talking about their feelings, and when they have a chance to meet up with a few friends and relax for a few hours, they prefer to have a good time and not talk about their problems. It makes him sad: “I find that I am so aware of myself and my behavior every day of my life, so focused on not doing anything that might betray the fact that I am gay, that it is becoming impossible to relax and be totally myself, even if I am amongst my gay friends. If I relax I would want to talk about how lonely and sad I am, and they are not very interested in hearing this. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to just be myself.”
When asked how they see their futures, all of the men hope to find someone with whom to have a long-term relationship. Samir is determined to marry a woman, but Omar and Abdul would like to find this with another man. Both of them are convinced that this will not be possible in Egypt. Omar thinks he has found his solution: “I am planning to move away for some time, to see if it would be possible to live my life as who I am and see if I could find a partner to have a long-term relationship with.” Abdul would love to find someone to share his life with, but does not want to move away. “I do not want to build my happiness on hurting my family by not being around them. I know that that will most probably mean then that it [finding a partner] will not happen.”
Religion has been, and still is a struggle for these three young. Each of them has found their own way to deal with it, but they all admit that they are not very settled yet. Omar tells me that many men just choose to ignore their religion, because it presents them with a problem they just cannot see a way out of. At this time in his life he sees himself being more spiritual than anything else, but acknowledges that this could very well change over time. Samir has found his own balance: “According to my religion being homosexual is a sin. And this is why I fully intend to get married and have children and live my life the way I should. Just because I may have sexual encounters with other men does not mean I am totally gay. If I would want to live with a man then I would be.” Abdul has found peace with his religious beliefs: “I am the way God made me, if I could change I would since it adds a lot of problems and unhappiness to my life. I do not think that being who I am means I am a sinner. I have just one thing that I struggle with, why am I the way I am, why does my life have to be this hard?”
And that is a question that no one has ever been able to answer. There is no scientific explanation for any sexual preference. Being part of a minority is always hard, and having to keep part of who they are a secret from the people they care about most is taking a toll on these young men. Samir chooses to conform as much as possible to what is expected of him, and denies who he is as much as he can. Abdul has accepted who he is, but fiercely struggles to find happiness and peace. Omar seems to have achieved some kind of balance in his life, but realizes that in order to truly live as who he is, he would have to relocate to another country.
And until that time all of them will continue to live their double lives.
Published in Alter Ego Feb 08
